Holding back my emotions.

Okay, I'm going to release my overwhelming emotion right now. So this will turn out us a rant. Who cares, it's my blog so I'll gonna write whatever I want! Why are other people so insensitive?! You think I will enjoy if he's gonna be there?! You know the tension between us, the rift we had. I could be civil with him but to be on an outing with him together with my most intimate friends, NO WAY! NO WAY I'll gonna enjoy the trip, NO WAY I'll feel fine, NO WAY that I'm coming if he's coming with us too. Instead of relaxing, it will just stress me out. I would rather end up sitting on the couch watching some boring shows or just let my dog chew my hands for fun, I just don't care. I would rather stay home than leave. As long as I don't feel uncomfortable, I would rather do it cause it will also make you all uncomfortable. What's the point of having an outing if it's just gonna turn out as a "awkward moment". There, I used awkward again. I thought our plan was clear as the sun that it would be just us on that "planned" outing. OR MAYBE, I'm the only one who think of it. Silly me. Then I'll found out that you're planning to bring him?! What, I'll just be surprised when he shows up on that day? I know that's it very hard to stuck between us. So much of the time I would just let you rather have a good time. That's why I leave. I don't wanna be the cause of the tension, the uncomfortable moments. As much as I want to be with you, I would just leave so you could enjoy better without me. I know you wouldn't enjoy if I'm around. Let's just face the truth. You would never know how hard it is to be left behind and how awkward it was whenever you bring your boyfriends. You would rather have an intimate talk with them while I end up talking to myself instead, asking myself what the heck am I doing there. But in fairness to you, I may never know how hard it is too to be in the middle of us. I know a lot of times I can't understand you. Maybe I    never will cause I may never be on your place. I tired my best to stay calm cause I know my tempers are bad and It wouldn't help, it would even make things worst. So if ever you read this, I'm sorry. There are times that I'm getting tired of all this drama and I just want someone or something to spill it out. You know for me, your my best friend and I never want to ruin you on other people's eyes cause I know they adore you as much as I do. But there are times when I think I'm gonna explode and I want to release it that's why I'm here. I don't want to hurt you and God knows I never intend to hurt you if ever i did. I know you feel the same way to for me, you never want to hurt me too.But circumstances happens that we ended up hurting even if we never intent to. But I learned that getting hurt is part of growing up. And I'm still willing to be hurt if its for you, just to see you happy. I guessed I'm used to getting hurt all the times. I'm okay being alone. I know I'm important to you as you always say. But I even know how much you loves him even if it's giving you so much pain. Maybe I will never understand that. Or maybe someday I will. I don't know. I just let time answer all my questions...

An ode to my lifeless pillow

Tonight.
In such a cold night, where no one, not even an imaginary person, to keep me warm.
But then, it is you who is willing to lend your body for me, to accompany me in a cold lonely night. It is you who is willing to catch my tears when it reaches to a point where I break down. It is you who loves me unconditionally, even though I don't change your covers personally.

You, my lifeless pillow, through thick and thin, stuck with me and never let me falter. Your true love gives me warmth in every night of miserable wondering. Your true love gives me comfort through the times of dire need.

So, I am dedicating this entry to you, my lifeless pillow. For tonight, you never left my side.

AWKWARD.

It's already 12am and this post is about what happened 6 hours ago and what I felt that time. I will just retype here (in my blog! )what I already typed in my multimedia message in my cellphone since I thought it was the only way to ease my situation. 

Around 5:30 and 6:00pm of Saturday, August 21, 2011. Inside a Karaoke booth in WoF KCC:

Well, I'm writing this down in my cellphone but I'll gonna transfer it later in my blog (since I made a commitment to write a journal and include all the "eventful" events in my daily life). Awkward moment strikes again. I'm just currently left in a room with Rich and her bf. I think I wanna be invisible for a moment. I felt like I'm ruining their moment..sort of. That awkward feeling when your left in a room where a couple were  so sweet and just having a good time with each other and you just don't know what you'll do or if its better to for me to just leave the room and get some air or be simply invisible. Yes, that's what it is right now. I'm having that AWKWARD feeling. And to add it up, Mich is just having her moment too, dunno what she's up to but my instincts tells me its not good. What the heck! I should be enjoying this moment. But I'm feeling quite the opposite. Oh BTW, we're in a karaoke booth, where they sing songs that somehow express what they feel right now. I'm not sure but I'm getting a bit nervous. Whew! Am I at the wrong place at the wrong time? Well, I feel I am right now. Maybe I should have stayed a little bit longer at my granny's house where I could catch up on things that happening to them. 

I don't know for what I am hearing and seeing right now, they're singing what they feels. Damn! It's a crazy awkward feeling. Now, they're having a duet while I'm pretending to be texting just to take away this awkward feeling...well, I'll just smile =). I hope this awkward feeling will fade. I'm so stiff right now. I'm trying to loosen up a bit and just enjoy, have fun. 

Oh, strike 2! She's singing "Cool Off" by Yeng C (ohh btw, her show tonight was great.!! wohow!!)What's happening???! This strange feeling is getting more a bit stronger. It's like there's something going on with her yet I don't know what it is but I'm quite aware of it. I learned that it's better not to asks questions on certain  things. I may not asking questions but at least I'm still willing to listen whatever it is. Dang! I don't know how to express it or even put a word on it. There's only one word to describe what I'm feeling right now: AWKWARD. 

=========================================================================

*After my awkward moments, thankfully I get to loosen up and we started to enjoy each others company. And they get to hear my amazing voice for the first time, LOL. Here are some of our photos:

GoodNightandSweetDreams!!! =)

Friday.

Ok, I know it's already Saturday since it's already 12:30 A.M but these events that I 'll wrote about on a lazy Friday afternoon, a few hours ago.

So, Friday was the schedule of my so-called "interview". I got to wear a black slacks, a doll shoes (which really killed my feet and gave me a pretty few small blisters!!), a girly t-shirt (the usual girls would wear sort of shirt), and a light lipstick (YES! you read it right, don't think your eyes are just fooling you, I applied a lipstick, no big deal duh..). Well, my aunt (who was my backer) accompanied me. I never really got that nervous since I'm quite sure I'll eventually be hired. All I got to do is to give a good first impression (though the supervisor who was a very good friend of my cousin who was the daughter of my aunt who accompanied me, have seen me a couple of times before...I hope you could follow, heh). She thought I was a tomboy (well, I'm used to it) but my aunt explained that I'm just comfortable wearing "boyish" clothes (composed of t-shirts, shorts and jeans). So she asked me a few questions and we came to the point where we have to discuss my schedule since she knew I'm taking up a Masteral degree. Unfortunately, I can't fit to her sched since she was looking for a full-time employee and I just can't give up my MPA. She told me there might be some upcoming lay-offs of her part-time employees and I'm willing to wait for them till November when the second semester will start and I can finally choose my own schedule (Dang, the worms in my stomach are starting to stage a riot again!). That would be fine. At least I could prepare and I could train myself how to put a make-up (waaaaahhhh!!!!) and act more like a lady.

So fast forward to an hour later. My aunt treat us (my brother and sister, my cousin Inday and my cute nephew JJ) to Chowking. The last time I ate at Chowking was during my birthday. I actually didn't enjoyed what I eat so lessons learned, the second time we eat there, I just ordered a large siopao and a chicharap while the others ordered laureat. I don't have a huge appetite so no need for me to ordered something I couldn't even finish. We had a good time catching up on our lives since we seldom see each other (of course, except on my brother and sister). But my feet were bothering me since walking with that doll shoes was getting painful and uncomfortable (due to the blisters). After Chowking, we went to the foodcourt to buy some food for dinner. Yes, my family loves to eat and they don't want to skip any meal. After foodcourt, we bid goodbye to each other and my generous aunt gave us P50 each so I'm getting a bit lucky since my funds were already gone (hey, not because I spent it but because I let my other cousin to borrow it so she can still resume her BBQ business).

We came home, changed dress quickly, watchthe PBA finals between Talk n' Text and Petron, visit my facebook, watch the final episode of "Minsan lang kitang Iibigin" (waaahh, I officially love Coco and I finally appreciate Amy Austria as a protagonist), eat my dinner, play NBA Live, and now I end up writing all of these here in my blog. So, that sums it up my Friday edition of my activities. It's already 1:11 AM and got to sleep nah..Nytz..

Getting there..

Growing up is never straightforward. There are moments when everything is fine and other moments, when you're uncertain and you realize that there are certain memories that you'll never get back as well as certain people that are going to change  And the hardest part is realizing that there's nothing you can do except watch them and to realize that everything is going to change. I hate change. It always catch me off-guard. I'm not really good in adapting change. Sometimes, I found myself staring blankly at the horizon, thinking of the future, what lies ahead of my life. It scares me to admit to myself that I'm no longer a kid or teenager anymore. I'm now a grown up. Maybe I'm not yet a grown up (in the true sense of the word!) and maybe I'm just growing old, getting a year older year by year but not getting wiser. I know I still have so much to learn, to experience, to go through. So change may be a better way for me to learn and accept life's (sometimes harsh) reality. The past two years had been so difficult but I'm proud that I've  gone through it and I'm still standing right now. It made me realize that life is not gonna give you a silver platter. Change is a constant change. It's inevitable. It made us human. Humans are the greatest of all race not because we are the smartest and the most intelligent, but we are the most in adapting change (whew, I learned that in my Job Analysis class!!). I'm not innocent anymore, but I'm still ignorant. I still have a long way to go. But, I'm getting there...

A FATHER'S RULES FOR FINDING FULFILLMENT

Be courteous, be punctual, always say please and thank you, and be sure to hold your knife and fork properly. Others take their cue on how to treat you from your manners.

Be kind, considerate and compassionate when others are in trouble, even if you have problems of your own. Others will admire your selflessness and will help you in due course.

Show moral courage. Do what is right, even if that makes you unpopular. I always thought it important to be able to look at myself in the shaving mirror every morning and not feel guilt or remorse. I depart this world with a pretty clear conscience.

Show humility. Stand your ground but pause to reflect on what the other side are saying, and back off when you know you are wrong. Never worry about losing face. That only happens when you are pig-headed.
Learn from your mistakes. You will make plenty so use them as a learning tool. If you keep making the same mistake or run into a problem, you’re doing something wrong.

Avoid disparaging someone to a third party; it is only you who will look bad. If you have a problem with someone, tell them face to face.

Hold fire! If someone crosses you, don’t react immediately. Once you say something it can never be taken back, and most people deserve a second chance.

Have fun. If this involves taking risks, so be it. If you get caught, hold your hands up.

Give to charity and help those who are less fortunate than yourselves: it’s easy and so rewarding.

Always look on the upside! The glass is half full, never half empty. Every adversity has a silver lining if you seek it out.

Make it your instinct always to say ‘yes’. Look for reasons to do something, not reasons to say no. Your friends will cherish you for that.

Be canny: you will get more of what you want if you can give someone more of what they desire. Compromise can be king.

Always accept a party invitation. You may not want to go, but they want you there. Show them courtesy and respect.

Never ever let a friend down. I would bury bodies for my friends, if they asked me to . . . which is why I have chosen them carefully.

Always tip for good service. It shows respect. But never reward poor service. Poor service is insulting.

Always treat those you meet as your social equal, whether they are above or below your station in life. For those above you, show due deference, but don’t be a sycophant.

Always respect age, as age equals wisdom.

Be prepared to put the interests of your sibling first.

Be proud of who you are and where you come from, but open your mind to other cultures and languages. When you begin to travel (as I hope you will), you’ll learn that your place in the world is both vital and insignificant. Don’t get too big for your breeches.

Be ambitious, but not nakedly so. Be prepared to back your assertions with craftsmanship and hard work.

Live every day to its full: do something that makes you smile or laugh, and avoid procrastination.

Give of your best at school. Some teachers forget that pupils need incentives. So if your teacher doesn’t give you one, devise your own.

Always pay the most you can afford. Never skimp on hotels, clothing, shoes, make-up or jewellery. But always look for a deal. You get what you pay for.

Never give up! My two little soldiers have no dad, but you are brave, big-hearted, fit and strong. You are also loved by an immensely kind and supportive team of family and friends. You make your own good fortune, my children, so battle on.

Never feel sorry for yourself, or at least don’t do it for long. Crying doesn’t make things better.

Look after your body and it will look after you.

Learn a language, or at least try. Never engage a person abroad in conversation without first greeting them in their own language; by all means ask if they speak English!

And finally, cherish your mother, and take very good care of her.

I love you both with all my heart.

 ----
Paul, a teacher, who died of cancer at the age of 45 in November 2009

Inevitability of Change.

 
I wish I could go back in time when everything is fine and that feeling of security and contentment was never uncertain.

=D

 

-Whenever I try to study, I always just end up laying on my bed doing some crazy random stuff .

So true.