May narealize ako dito..

Malungkot ka na nga wala ka pa ring ginagawang paraan para maging masaya.

Sino hihintayin mo? Mga kaibigan mo na busy rin sa mga problema nila? Huwag tayong maging pabigat sa kanila, nakakahiya kaya. Kaya naman natin yan eh, at sayang lang oras nila kapag nagbigay sila ng payo at hindi ka rin naman papayag dito. Ikaw pa rin naman ang mag dedesisyon eh. 

Think outside the box.

Kalimutan mo yung mga napanuod mong Love Stories sa Sinehan, sa Youtube, sa Flippish, sa Facebook, wag ka magbasa ng mga Video ni Marcelo. Papalungkutin ka lang lalo ng mga yun. Pasayahin mo ang sarili mo. Kaya mo naman talaga eh, ayaw mo lang.

Pati yung mga quotes na nagsisikalat sa internet, yung mga GM ng maiingay mong kaibigan na walang ibang ginawa kundi mag send ng quotes na kinuha lang naman sa internet o kaya naman finorward lang din sa kanila. 

Mag desisyon ka para sa sarili mo, sariling diskarte, sariling pag-iisip. Huwag mo idepende ang buhay mo sa mga taong nakapaligid sayo. Sa taong gusto mo, sa taong mahal mo. Sasaktan ka lang ng iba diyan eh. At least kapag sarili mo muna ang mahal mo, hindi ka basta basata maapi diyan.

Ok? Gets mo na? Mahalin ang sarili, pasayahin, enjoyin ang buhay at manlandi ng my limitasyon. Oo manlandi ka. Kasiyahan yan. 

Source: matabangutak

Repost: Pwedeng Maging Robot?

Isang daang beses. Isang libo. Isang milyon. Hindi ko na mabilang. Sa sobrang daming beses. Sa maraming ulit na pinilit kong subukan na hindi ka mahalin. At kung gano ko kadalas na sinubukan, ganun kadalas din akong natalo. At ganun kadalas din akong nasaktan. Wow. Ang dami na pala. Ngayon ko lang na-realize.

Kaya hindi ako nagtataka kung baket madaming nagwi-wish na sana may switch na lang ang puso. Yung tipong pag may isang tao na karapat-dapat mahalin, pipindutin mo lang yung “ON” ng puso mo tsaka ng puso nya. Tapos magmamahalan na kayo. Tapos pag ayaw mo na, o kaya pag sa tingin mo wala namang kahihinatnan yung pagsasama nyo, pipindutin mo na lang yung “OFF.” Tapos, tapos na. Sana ganun lang kadali. Eh di sana lahat ng tao masaya. Wala ng iiyak. Gaya ngayon.

Sana manhid na lang ako. Yung tipong walang pakialam. Gigising. Kakain. Maliligo. Papasok sa trabaho. Uuwi. Kakain. Manonood ng tv. Matutulog. Tapos gigising na naman kinabukasan. Yung tao na nabubuhay lang para sa sarili nya. Sana ganun na lang ako. Sana wala na lang din akong pakialam sa bawat himaymay ng mga pananalita at kilos mo. Sana hindi ko napapansin bawat anggulo ng pag-ikot ng mata mo. Kung gano mo kabilis o kabagal hinahawi yung buhok mo. Kung hanggang saan ba umaabot yung ngiti mo. Hanggang panga. Hanggang tenga. Kung gaano kataas o kababa yung pitch ng boses mo pag kausap kita.

Minsan nga, naiisip ko, masokista siguro ako. Siguro gustong gusto kong nasasaktan ako kaya ako nagsusumiksik sa yo. Siguro gustong gusto kong umiiyak kapag naalala ko na hindi nga pala kita pwedeng mahalin. O siguro sadyang tanga lang ako. Kasi wala akong kadala-dala. O kaya nagbubulag-bulagan. Nagbibingi-bingihan. Para lang maramdaman ko na hindi ka nawawala sa buhay ko gamit ang mga kakapiranggot na oras na inaagaw ko sa buhay mo.

Kung pwede lang. Kung kaya ko lang. Hindi ko patitibukin ang puso ko sayo. Pero wag kang mag-alala. Kinakaya ko pa naman e… Matapang ako. O nagtatapang-tapangan. Pinipilit paniwalain ang sarili na kaya kong makita at tanggapin na andito lang ako lagi sa background. Extra. Naghihintay tawagin ng direktor para dumaan-daan sa harap ng kamera ng buhay mo.

Tama na nga to. Kahit naman anong sabihin ko dito, wala namang mababago sa mga pangyayari. At kahit naman mabasa mo to, wala ka rin namang magagawa. Dahil kahit bali-baliktarin mo ang mundo ko at ang mundo mo, babalik pa rin sa dating pwesto ang lahat. At lilitaw pa din kung ano ang realidad ng buhay nating dalawa.

Sana lang paggising ko bukas, robot na ko. Makina. Battery-operated. May switch. At least walang masokistang robot. At higit sa lahat, walang tangang robot.

*Written by Myles Genove from here.

Holding back my emotions.

Okay, I'm going to release my overwhelming emotion right now. So this will turn out us a rant. Who cares, it's my blog so I'll gonna write whatever I want! Why are other people so insensitive?! You think I will enjoy if he's gonna be there?! You know the tension between us, the rift we had. I could be civil with him but to be on an outing with him together with my most intimate friends, NO WAY! NO WAY I'll gonna enjoy the trip, NO WAY I'll feel fine, NO WAY that I'm coming if he's coming with us too. Instead of relaxing, it will just stress me out. I would rather end up sitting on the couch watching some boring shows or just let my dog chew my hands for fun, I just don't care. I would rather stay home than leave. As long as I don't feel uncomfortable, I would rather do it cause it will also make you all uncomfortable. What's the point of having an outing if it's just gonna turn out as a "awkward moment". There, I used awkward again. I thought our plan was clear as the sun that it would be just us on that "planned" outing. OR MAYBE, I'm the only one who think of it. Silly me. Then I'll found out that you're planning to bring him?! What, I'll just be surprised when he shows up on that day? I know that's it very hard to stuck between us. So much of the time I would just let you rather have a good time. That's why I leave. I don't wanna be the cause of the tension, the uncomfortable moments. As much as I want to be with you, I would just leave so you could enjoy better without me. I know you wouldn't enjoy if I'm around. Let's just face the truth. You would never know how hard it is to be left behind and how awkward it was whenever you bring your boyfriends. You would rather have an intimate talk with them while I end up talking to myself instead, asking myself what the heck am I doing there. But in fairness to you, I may never know how hard it is too to be in the middle of us. I know a lot of times I can't understand you. Maybe I    never will cause I may never be on your place. I tired my best to stay calm cause I know my tempers are bad and It wouldn't help, it would even make things worst. So if ever you read this, I'm sorry. There are times that I'm getting tired of all this drama and I just want someone or something to spill it out. You know for me, your my best friend and I never want to ruin you on other people's eyes cause I know they adore you as much as I do. But there are times when I think I'm gonna explode and I want to release it that's why I'm here. I don't want to hurt you and God knows I never intend to hurt you if ever i did. I know you feel the same way to for me, you never want to hurt me too.But circumstances happens that we ended up hurting even if we never intent to. But I learned that getting hurt is part of growing up. And I'm still willing to be hurt if its for you, just to see you happy. I guessed I'm used to getting hurt all the times. I'm okay being alone. I know I'm important to you as you always say. But I even know how much you loves him even if it's giving you so much pain. Maybe I will never understand that. Or maybe someday I will. I don't know. I just let time answer all my questions...

An ode to my lifeless pillow

Tonight.
In such a cold night, where no one, not even an imaginary person, to keep me warm.
But then, it is you who is willing to lend your body for me, to accompany me in a cold lonely night. It is you who is willing to catch my tears when it reaches to a point where I break down. It is you who loves me unconditionally, even though I don't change your covers personally.

You, my lifeless pillow, through thick and thin, stuck with me and never let me falter. Your true love gives me warmth in every night of miserable wondering. Your true love gives me comfort through the times of dire need.

So, I am dedicating this entry to you, my lifeless pillow. For tonight, you never left my side.

AWKWARD.

It's already 12am and this post is about what happened 6 hours ago and what I felt that time. I will just retype here (in my blog! )what I already typed in my multimedia message in my cellphone since I thought it was the only way to ease my situation. 

Around 5:30 and 6:00pm of Saturday, August 21, 2011. Inside a Karaoke booth in WoF KCC:

Well, I'm writing this down in my cellphone but I'll gonna transfer it later in my blog (since I made a commitment to write a journal and include all the "eventful" events in my daily life). Awkward moment strikes again. I'm just currently left in a room with Rich and her bf. I think I wanna be invisible for a moment. I felt like I'm ruining their moment..sort of. That awkward feeling when your left in a room where a couple were  so sweet and just having a good time with each other and you just don't know what you'll do or if its better to for me to just leave the room and get some air or be simply invisible. Yes, that's what it is right now. I'm having that AWKWARD feeling. And to add it up, Mich is just having her moment too, dunno what she's up to but my instincts tells me its not good. What the heck! I should be enjoying this moment. But I'm feeling quite the opposite. Oh BTW, we're in a karaoke booth, where they sing songs that somehow express what they feel right now. I'm not sure but I'm getting a bit nervous. Whew! Am I at the wrong place at the wrong time? Well, I feel I am right now. Maybe I should have stayed a little bit longer at my granny's house where I could catch up on things that happening to them. 

I don't know for what I am hearing and seeing right now, they're singing what they feels. Damn! It's a crazy awkward feeling. Now, they're having a duet while I'm pretending to be texting just to take away this awkward feeling...well, I'll just smile =). I hope this awkward feeling will fade. I'm so stiff right now. I'm trying to loosen up a bit and just enjoy, have fun. 

Oh, strike 2! She's singing "Cool Off" by Yeng C (ohh btw, her show tonight was great.!! wohow!!)What's happening???! This strange feeling is getting more a bit stronger. It's like there's something going on with her yet I don't know what it is but I'm quite aware of it. I learned that it's better not to asks questions on certain  things. I may not asking questions but at least I'm still willing to listen whatever it is. Dang! I don't know how to express it or even put a word on it. There's only one word to describe what I'm feeling right now: AWKWARD. 

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*After my awkward moments, thankfully I get to loosen up and we started to enjoy each others company. And they get to hear my amazing voice for the first time, LOL. Here are some of our photos:

GoodNightandSweetDreams!!! =)

Friday.

Ok, I know it's already Saturday since it's already 12:30 A.M but these events that I 'll wrote about on a lazy Friday afternoon, a few hours ago.

So, Friday was the schedule of my so-called "interview". I got to wear a black slacks, a doll shoes (which really killed my feet and gave me a pretty few small blisters!!), a girly t-shirt (the usual girls would wear sort of shirt), and a light lipstick (YES! you read it right, don't think your eyes are just fooling you, I applied a lipstick, no big deal duh..). Well, my aunt (who was my backer) accompanied me. I never really got that nervous since I'm quite sure I'll eventually be hired. All I got to do is to give a good first impression (though the supervisor who was a very good friend of my cousin who was the daughter of my aunt who accompanied me, have seen me a couple of times before...I hope you could follow, heh). She thought I was a tomboy (well, I'm used to it) but my aunt explained that I'm just comfortable wearing "boyish" clothes (composed of t-shirts, shorts and jeans). So she asked me a few questions and we came to the point where we have to discuss my schedule since she knew I'm taking up a Masteral degree. Unfortunately, I can't fit to her sched since she was looking for a full-time employee and I just can't give up my MPA. She told me there might be some upcoming lay-offs of her part-time employees and I'm willing to wait for them till November when the second semester will start and I can finally choose my own schedule (Dang, the worms in my stomach are starting to stage a riot again!). That would be fine. At least I could prepare and I could train myself how to put a make-up (waaaaahhhh!!!!) and act more like a lady.

So fast forward to an hour later. My aunt treat us (my brother and sister, my cousin Inday and my cute nephew JJ) to Chowking. The last time I ate at Chowking was during my birthday. I actually didn't enjoyed what I eat so lessons learned, the second time we eat there, I just ordered a large siopao and a chicharap while the others ordered laureat. I don't have a huge appetite so no need for me to ordered something I couldn't even finish. We had a good time catching up on our lives since we seldom see each other (of course, except on my brother and sister). But my feet were bothering me since walking with that doll shoes was getting painful and uncomfortable (due to the blisters). After Chowking, we went to the foodcourt to buy some food for dinner. Yes, my family loves to eat and they don't want to skip any meal. After foodcourt, we bid goodbye to each other and my generous aunt gave us P50 each so I'm getting a bit lucky since my funds were already gone (hey, not because I spent it but because I let my other cousin to borrow it so she can still resume her BBQ business).

We came home, changed dress quickly, watchthe PBA finals between Talk n' Text and Petron, visit my facebook, watch the final episode of "Minsan lang kitang Iibigin" (waaahh, I officially love Coco and I finally appreciate Amy Austria as a protagonist), eat my dinner, play NBA Live, and now I end up writing all of these here in my blog. So, that sums it up my Friday edition of my activities. It's already 1:11 AM and got to sleep nah..Nytz..

Getting there..

Growing up is never straightforward. There are moments when everything is fine and other moments, when you're uncertain and you realize that there are certain memories that you'll never get back as well as certain people that are going to change  And the hardest part is realizing that there's nothing you can do except watch them and to realize that everything is going to change. I hate change. It always catch me off-guard. I'm not really good in adapting change. Sometimes, I found myself staring blankly at the horizon, thinking of the future, what lies ahead of my life. It scares me to admit to myself that I'm no longer a kid or teenager anymore. I'm now a grown up. Maybe I'm not yet a grown up (in the true sense of the word!) and maybe I'm just growing old, getting a year older year by year but not getting wiser. I know I still have so much to learn, to experience, to go through. So change may be a better way for me to learn and accept life's (sometimes harsh) reality. The past two years had been so difficult but I'm proud that I've  gone through it and I'm still standing right now. It made me realize that life is not gonna give you a silver platter. Change is a constant change. It's inevitable. It made us human. Humans are the greatest of all race not because we are the smartest and the most intelligent, but we are the most in adapting change (whew, I learned that in my Job Analysis class!!). I'm not innocent anymore, but I'm still ignorant. I still have a long way to go. But, I'm getting there...